


phobia

by jamieme



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Angst, Claustrophobia, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, MO GUAN SHAN NEEDS A HECKING HUG, Nyctophobia, Panic Attack, Trauma, also guan shan is so pretty????, angsty as hell, day 5: fear, did i make he tian soft?, guan shan is not ok, guan shan's pov, he tian loves mo so much, he tian's pov, i made he tian soft, idk if i should apologize for that, im just stating facts in these tags, mo guan shan is so oblivious to hiS OWN FEELINGS, mo's traumatic past, ooooh boy, things get e m o ti o n a l, tianshanweek 2018, we been knew
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-07-04 10:46:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15839652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jamieme/pseuds/jamieme
Summary: Unconsciously, Guan Shan's grip tightens, and He Tian looks at him with amusement, thinking Guan Shan is feeling romantic in the dark.How wrong is He Tian.





	phobia

**Author's Note:**

> !! written for tianshan week !! day 5: fear !!
> 
> literally wrote this in between classes and it's barely edited but here u go...  
> i tried my best pls enjoy! :)

 

   _Where the fucking hell is that bastard?_ Guan Shan thinks angrily. He’s currently drinking from a juice box aggressively, walking back to his classroom from the lunch break.

     He hadn’t seen He Tian during lunch, and for some reason that made Guan Shan angry.

   _What the hell does he even do?_ Guan Shan huffs, then thinks a terrifying thought, _Maybe he's avoiding me?_

  It hurts to think that that’s the reason Guan Shan doesn’t see He Tian…

  _Wait what the hell am I thinking?! Why would I want to spend more time with that asshole than I already do?!_ Guan Shan concludes angrily.

  It’s not like he missed He Tian or anything! He just… wants to know where he is. Guan Shan blushes at his own thoughts. _Fuck that guy! Why is he still bothering me even when he’s not here!_

Suddenly, a black streak runs past him, and Guan Shan is harshly yanked, his wrist captured by long tan fingers. He has no choice but to run if he wants to keep his hand intact.

  When the shock of being pulled into a sprint wears off, Guan Shan finally realizes it’s He Tian who is holding onto his wrist so tightly.

   _W-_ “Hey! What the f-” Mo begins to yell out, but He tian only looks back at him with a smirk and _god_ it silences him immediately. The school bell rings, announcing class has started once again.

 His legs feel like the wind, how is he even going this fast? Then, He Tian makes a sharp turn around the school, and Guan Shan almost hits his head on the corner.

  He hears He Tian huff in amusement when he sees Mo’s panicked face. This annoys the hell out of Mo.

  “What is this, you fucker? What the hell do you think you’re doing? Let go of me!” Guan Shan begins to pull at his wrist, but it’s a mistake.

 From the speed they’re going, Guan Shan trips as he tries to pull back, his ankle twists, and he falls onto his ass, pulling He Tian with him. But He Tian plants his feet on the ground firmly just before he falls on top of the redhead.

 Mo’s hand limp in He Tian’s grasp.

“What was that, dumbass?” He Tian tries to not laugh.

  _Aw hell,_ Guan Shan thinks, embarrassed. “Shut up! Where the hell do you think you’re taking me?! What’s wrong with you?!” _Honestly. That bastard just pulls me along in a full sprint out of nowhere, and I’m the dumbass?_

  “Don’t worry about it.” He Tian answers coolly, “I just need to hide.”

    “Then why’re you dragging me into this?!” Guan Shan huffs, tearing his hand away from He Tian and gets up from the ground.

  The asshole only grins evilly, “Well, you’re already late to class. Might as well skip. Unless you’re a pussy.”

   _There’s nothing wrong with being a pussy, pussies are lovely, why wouldn’t I want to be a pussy?_ Guan Shan manages to think before his pride escapes him, “Fucking fine then! I don’t care if I skip class, not like I don’t do that every other week.” Guan Shan crosses his arms nonchalantly.

  “Anyway, what did you do? Why were you running so fast?” Mo raises an eyebrow, his ever present frown lessing slightly to allow the movement.

 “Aren’t you a curious little puppy?” He Tian grins and ruffles Guan Shan’s hair roughly, gripping his head with one hand.

 “Don’t fuckin’ touch me! Let go fucker!” Guan Shan struggles beneath the strong grasp.

 Then, He Tian’s eyes glance behind Guan Shan and narrow slightly.

 “Sorry, Don’t Close Mountain, but we gotta run again.” He Tian says, sounding not sorry at all.

 Guan Shan manages a, “Fuck you!” Before He Tian grabs his wrist and sprints again, almost dislocating Guan Shan’s wrist.

  They sprint circles around the school and the courtyard until He Tian abruptly comes to a stop causing Guan Shan to run into his back.

  “Agh! What the chick-“ Guan Shan begins to complain, before He Tian’s hand covers his mouth.

  Guan Shan scowls behind the hand, debating whether or not if licking it would be enough for He Tian to retrieve his hand.

  Finally, before Guan Shan decides to lick the hand, He Tian takes his hand away and puts a finger in front of his lips.

  This, once again, annoys the hell out Guan Shan. “What are you doing? Running away from the mafia or something?” He whispers accusingly.

   The look He Tian gives him instills a cold feeling in Guan Shan, enough for him to stay quiet until He Tian decides they should start running again.

   This time, He Tian grabs his hand, palm to palm, and runs. Guan Shan’s mind blinks out from the contact ( _intimate_ in Guan Shan’s mind) and before he knows it, they’re hidden in a storage closet.

  He Tian holds his hand as he checks that there’s no one in the hallway. Once he has that figured out, he turns to Guan Shan. His devilish grin barely visible in the dark closet.

    _Dark._

  Unconsciously, Guan Shan’s grip tightens, and He Tian looks at him with amusement thinking Mo is feeling _romantic_ in the dark. But it’s more of a _freezing dread_ that fills Guan Shan.

   _Confined._

  How wrong is He Tian.

 There’s no light in the room at all, and there’s a small vent in the top corner.

     _Too high I can’t reach I can’t see where am I I can’t escape where_

Guan Shan squeezes his eyes shut, refusing to look weak in front of He Tian. Shakily, as he lets go of He Tian’s hand, he stumbles backwards, knocking into a rack behind him.

  The noise of the crashing metal takes him back.

  The darkness engulfs him whole, and he’s lost. He can’t see anything, it feels like there’s no oxygen in the room left for his lungs.

 It suffocates him, the dark, and he _can’t escape._

“Guan Shan?” A soft but clear _stable_ voice says.

 Whimpering, Guan Shan curls into himself, crouching, cowering. Everything is happening too fast. _Mama…_

Plates breaking, men yelling, painful thuds, it’s all _happening_. But he can’t do anything, the void choking him, he can’t even breathe.

   _Pathetic. Ungrateful. Selfish. Mean.Unworthy._

_Weak._

He covers his ears, knuckles white from the tight grasp. It takes everything in him not to cry. But he already is. Tears pooling at his eyes, threatening to break him. _Everything_ is breaking.

   “Mo Guan Shan!” The voice, _the voice,_ so clear so real where

   _Help m “_ ...e..” Guan Shan manages to hiccup _._

Then he feels a warm hand on his shoulder, Guan Shan almost screams in terror, but he opens his eyes just enough to see a pair of silver eyes full of concern.

  “..He Tian...”

 

+

 

  He fumbles to grasp Guan Shan’s shoulder, Guan Shan lets out a yelp, and He Tian feels the shaking fear.

    _A panic attack._

  Red rimmed eyes filled with tears, the whimpering, the _cowering_. He Tian is… angry at how easily the aggressive facade is broken.

    _Who did this to you?_

He Tian doesn’t know what to do, he has no idea what’s happening, it’s too dark in the closet.

 “Guan Shan, please- breathe. You’re okay. Everything-” He Tian struggles. Comforting is not his forte, but damn it, he has to do something.

    “..dark…” Guan Shan huffs out of breath, his voice feeble and small, smaller than He Tian has ever wanted to hear it. The whimpers that follow squeeze He Tian’s heart. Who knew that he could care for someone this much?

  Looking for a light switch in the narrow closet, He Tian realizes that the trouble he could get in doesn’t fucking matter, not when compared to the crying boy in his arms.

   Unlocking the door, he finally opens the door, sunlight like a balm to Guan Shan’s shaking body but the _fear_ is still freezing him.

   “..Guan Shan. I’m going to touch- I’m going to carry you now.” He Tian says, not wanting to scare the redhead again.

  There’s no response, so he’ll take that as an _‘okay’_.

   Carefully sliding an arm beneath Guan Shan’s bent legs and the other around the tense shoulders. Mo is relatively easy to carry, only because of the missed meals he doesn’t eat.

He Tian slowly exits the closet, making sure he doesn’t bump any of Guan Shan’s body parts on the door frame.

   The sun illuminates Mo’s pale face, eyes still screwed shut, fingers gripping He Tian’s shirt tightly, and if they weren’t in this situation, He Tian would think it’s adorable.

  Deciding whether to risk leaving the school without a teacher noticing takes He Tian a couple of seconds before he realizes there’s no one outside, and he knows for a fact the school cameras don’t work.

  He Tian carries the redhead out to the park next to the school, avoiding all windows.

  Finally settling on bench, Guan Shan lays over He Tian’s lap. He Tian cradles his head with one hand and holds Guan Shan’s face with the other, brushing away stray tears with his thumb. Bushes nearby block them from public view.

   Guan Shan’s pretty face is still screwed up, his body tense, and He Tian has no idea what to do now. At least Guan Shan isn’t crying anymore.

   “Guan Shan. You’re okay. You can open your eyes, the dark is gone.” He Tian encourages softly.

  Slowly, Guan Shan cracks open his eyes, brown eyes light and unclear. He Tian feels the redhead’s body slowly relax, and He Tian exhales quietly in relief. He lets go of Guan Shan’s face, yet still cradling his head.

  “You weren’t supposed to fucking see that.” Guan Shan’s voice is croaky, his hands already trying to cover his tear-streaked face.

  He Tian doesn’t really know how to respond. It was his fault, if he had known, if he had just-

  “I’m sorry.” He Tian says, his head bowed, his hand turning into a fist at his side.

   “Oh, shut the fuck up.” Guan Shan replies, starting to sit up. Then he realizes he’s _sitting on He Tian’s lap,_ with He Tian’s arm now around his waist. “Shit!”

  A red blush covers his cheekbones, and He Tian internally sighs in relief, glad Guan Shan is feeling better, enough for him to curse and yell.

  Sadly, Guan Shan quickly slides off his lap, but fortunately the pretty blush is still there. He’s sitting next to He Tian, looking down at his hands exposing the soft curve of his neck. _He’s so fucking beautiful._

“Are you-” He Tian starts.

 “I just-” Guan Shan says at the same time.

  He Tian looks at the redhead, and Guan Shan glances at him through his eyelashes. How does he manage to look so perfect even after a panic attack?

  “Are you feeling better now?” He Tian asks.

 Guan Shan groans and leans back on the bleacher, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his hands.

   “Whate-” He begins but stops in a sigh, “Yeah. I’m okay. Now.” Guan Shan drops his hands from his face, his head tilted upwards, staring at the sky.

  He looks fragile and tired, and He Tian suddenly has this overwhelming urge to scoop him up, bring him to his apartment, and cuddle him till all the cracks in Guan Shan’s heart are sealed.

  It’s not like He Tian hasn’t ever had a panic attack, but it’s different, _it’s different_ when it’s someone he cares deeply about. He knows Guan Shan isn’t one to be shaken lightly, so something must’ve been _very wrong._

  He Tian narrows his eyes as he remembers the day at the fancy restaurant.

  He doesn’t like it; he doesn’t like how little he knows about Guan Shan. And it’s his own fucking fault.

   “I’m sorry.”

  This only makes Guan Shan groan again, “Shut up! How were you supposed to know I’m claustrophobic and afraid of the fucking dark? Like I’m gonna tell that to anyone at all. That… wasn’t your fault, so stop fucking saying you’re sorry. It’s not your fault I’m weak with triggers of a five year old. So just.. shut up.”

  He Tian blinks.

 He didn’t really know what he expected to come after that, but this outburst certainly wasn’t it. The redhead grabs his own elbows, as if protecting himself; he looks so vulnerable and alone; his usual frown replaced by tired grimace.

  It wasn’t like Guan Shan to talk a lot about himself, so He Tian took every bit of information as if it were a drop of water and he was dying in  desert.

  He Tian would never ask _why_ or _what_ , he’d only ever know what happened to Guan Shan when he is ready to tell He Tian. He resists telling Guan Shan that he isn’t weak for having a panic attack or having triggers because he knows it would possibly annoy the redhead.

   “Do… why- Just. I’m glad you’re feeling better.” He Tian manages to say, not sure what comes after a big confession like that. (It might not be the confession he’s looking for, but it’s _Guan Shan_ and everything about him is important)

   Guan Shan looks at him with wide eyes full of surprise. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you stutter before.” His tone teasing and aggressive, almost normal, mostly _tired_.

  He Tian takes the bait, wanting things to go back to normal as quickly as possible. (he was never good at feelings)

  “You should come to my apartment.” _To take a nap,_ He Tian wants to suggest but instead he quirks his lip into a small grin, “There’s still two hours left of school until you can go home, might as well get started on my dinner.”

   The redhead scowls, “Sure, you chicken dick, only because… you’ve been actually nice to me.” Guan Shan’s expression softens. And He Tian realizes.

  He realizes that Guan Shan just… needs a hug. Someone to tell him, when things get bad, that everything will be okay. (It’s what they _all_ want)

  Stretching, He Tian gets up from the bench. He smirks at Guan Shan, as if he knows all his secrets. He Tian thinks he probably never will, but neither will Guan Shan know his.

  They both start walking towards He Tian’s apartment, and he glances at the short redhead next to him, who’s frowning at the world as if he hadn’t just been frozen up with fear. Mo’s strength restores all hope that He Tian had lost in the world.

  Maybe someday, he’ll tell He Tian all about it. He Tian will be waiting as long as he needs to.

  

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> ok but where did the juice box go????? idk don't ask me
> 
> pls leave lovely comments and go say hi to me on tumblr @im-a-beautiful-meme!


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